Yesterday, we went to a viewing for our beloved neighbor, Tony. He passed away this weekend, just under a year since his wife Olivia passed. They were one of those couples who you admire, and wish you could emulate in your own relationships. They loved each other, their three grown boys, grandchildren, and their neighbors more than anything…they were good people.
In Phin’s short, almost five years of life, he has not been a stranger to death’s door. He was conceived out of love at the time my grandfather, JC Stewart died; was nearly born when Troy’s great uncle Pat passed; and as an infant, attended Troy’s grandmother Natalie’s funeral. Of course none of these he remembers though. We also had to put our cat, Coltrane to sleep this past year, and Phin seemed to grasp the concept then.
Seeing loss through my child’s eyes is one of the hardest things I have had to do as an adult. The first funeral I had ever been to was my grandfather’s, and I was a grown up. I don’t recall having to face death as a child, and never had to explain it before. This is what the cycle of life and death is, attempting to explain to a child what life and death is, what our bodies are for; and why we die. Questions that I don’t know the answers to, nor will I, until I too pass from this world. We try to teach our children about the world around us, without making it seem too visceral for them at such a young age, but sometimes that is impossible. Death is part of our lives, all of our lives; and as we continue to live this life, the more we get acquainted through all the lives we have shared time with and who eventually pass on.
Last night, Phin came with us to the viewing for Tony. We had not intended to take him up to the casket, but he asked us if he could see him, he persisted. We decided to not make this natural part of life so taboo, especially since he asked. He knew that “Tony” was in there, and he wanted to say goodbye. So we brought him up, and together, we all said goodbye to our dear friend and neighbor.
Phin loved Tony, he said from the backseat of the car as we left the viewing, “I’m going to miss Tony, he was our friend, one of our best friends.”
We will miss you Tony & Olivia, the best next door neighbors we have ever had.
2 comments:
I just went through this recently, with the death of my stepmother, Judy Karnes-Fuchs. My boys didn't know her well, but they did get see her in May, about a month before her passing, and I'm so thankful they did.
Death scares us all, to one degree or another. Those who state that they don't fear death are more likely trying to say that they don't think about it much. When one allows oneself to "go there," death is scary. The title of your post is true...but not just for a child. Death is a mystery to all of us.
For children, I think it's made scarier when we try to "protect" them from it. By allowing Phin to see Tony's body, you made it safe for him to say what he needed to say -- that Tony was a great friend who he'll miss very much.
I think it was a hell of a parenting moment for you and Troy. Well done.
Thanks Dan, I felt good about what we did, and would do it again.
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